My cousin and his wife and daughter came to town for the weekend. I got to spend half of the day with them which was great because I haven’t seen them in over a year and seeing how I am the godfather of their daughter it has been way too long.
It’s funny. I don’t feel comfortable with a lot of people. Sure, I can talk to a lot of people. I can even express myself to a lot of people but when it does to feeling comfortable it is hard. I don’t have many close friends because of it. My group is considerably small and I wish it weren’t. I wish the people I felt comfortable with were people I saw more often but they aren’t.
My family and I aren’t close. It is unfortunate but I don’t think just because we share blood it is a prerequisite for being close. Maybe my body and mind forced us apart out of rejection of the thought that blood is thicker than water. Perhaps I am the pseudo-adopted kid.
I don’t know.
What I know is that when I travel the country, when I move around, I feel free. I feel like myself and the world is my oyster. Well, maybe not oyster but I feel comfortable moving around. I love to embrace the culture of different parts of this world and I am able to do that because I have no attachment to anyone.
I don’t feel like I owe anyone anything. Maybe that is jaded.
Maybe I am a sociopath.
Maybe I just haven’t felt anyone is deserving of me and who i am.
Maybe I am better off creating a world of characters that mirror what I want.
My friends have always been considered family to me. It is hard when they move on in their life. Not always but sometimes.
I begin to worry about my place in their life and how it’ll change. You see, sometimes change is great but the idea of change and the great unknown is hard to deal with.
So what happens when your emotional ties are moving on in their life an your position within their lives evolves?
I’ve always been alone.
It is rare that I feel lonely.
In my mind it is me and my friends against the world despite my independence from a singular place i call home but when your friends are facing the world with someone else where does that leave me?
I don’t want to face the world alone.
I don’t know how to make new friends.
I don’t want to make new ‘close friends’.
What happens when the world as you know it disappears and you are forced to reshape what you have into something else?
You have the unknown.
You have me in fear.
Needless to say that I need to get out more. Needless to say I need to expand my social horizons and live more. It takes more than packing a bag and getting on a plane. On a bus. On a train. to find out what is out there.
I suppose it takes bravery to expand your your circle of trust.
It takes bravery to love.
It takes bravery to face the unknown.
I am a coward…
One day I will be brave.
Rated E for Emo